The outcast

[Nukascar1]

hey this is just a story about another char Neo I can't think of any names please leave suggestions anyway hes been outcast for...well I'll tell you later!Any wa back to the story
**********************************************************************It was a very odd site that day.Seeing a full grown lion sleeping with hyeans but thiswas no ordinarly lion.The lion woke up and took in his surrudings.Then rembered he was on patrol withthe atranak and her 2 friends.The lion liked the matranok very much.For one she had always been his friend even though he was a pridlander.And two when he came to her very sad that night.When he was exiled she said that his new home could be here.Anyway the matranak had 2 friends these were Banzi and Ed.Banzi was by far Neo's best friend.He had spent most of his puphood with him and was b far the mot exitied to see Neo.Hewould state this by often shouting hyean pile Shenzi the mataranak and Banzi and Ed.All jumped on him and that night thy were all truly happy.Neo now started to go to wake Shenzi Neo had a brown pelt his paws were very scratched his underfur was white.His tail had a complatly black as night coler.Neos face was exactly like Scars in everyway.But in that time noone knew about Scar.Anyway Neo's eyes were green and down one of them he had a deep Scar."Shenzi Shenzi wake up"
"No I want Pop tarts"Neo was very confused by ths.She woke up though "Ohh hye Neo guard duty right?" "yes Shenzi"
"Okay I'll wake up Banzi and Ed you wait""sure."And with that Neo went and waited
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well thats the chapter finsihed I will write more but ell me what you think and anything I could add in thanks ohhh btw f anyone wants to draw Neo pm me please

[KopsTheTerminator]

It's a really good fan-fic so far =) When are you gonna post more?

[Nukascar1]

sooon

[Baya]

Dude you got an awesome idea rolling here, but the only flaw is the grammer. I don't know what's going on >_<

[Nukascar1]

Chapter 2:the sercreat reavled this is going to be a short chapter
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an hour later Neo was lying on his back "why do they tae so long."he growled fianaly the figures of Banzi and Ed come walking to him "Finally""sorry Neo we were tired" "well atleast your here"he said and they set off.Neo stopped them "there's a scout"he whisped Neo then puncd on the the scount.The scount tried o cry out for his pack but Neo slammed his paw on his Neck silencing him "what are you doing here" "Scounting please it's not agaist lions it's agaist hyeans""were's your leader""up the stream please don't hurt me""I will kill your leader you coward"he growled he then sunk is fangs deep intothe hyeans neck suckng all teblood out for Neo was no ordinarly lion he was a vampire.

[CommandoTheLion]

awesome xD cant wait till more.

[KopsTheTerminator]

[quote="Kivuli"]Dude you got an awesome idea rolling here, but the only flaw is the grammer. I don't know what's going on >_<[/quote]

Kivuli is a little right, It's hard to read. You can use a spell checker if you're unsure about something and fix some typos.


I like the story, but the vampire idea doesn't fit with TLK. Vampires aren't real, they are some creatures some people made to scare others lol. But it's nice to hear your character's story, even through I know him well from our PM RP.

[CommandoTheLion]

hmmmm do you use Mozilla Firefox? Mine has spell checker on it xD

[KopsTheTerminator]

When are you gonna post more of this?

[Mike]

Sorry, but the grammar and structure issues make it pretty tough to figure out what's going on :\ i really think you should run your story through a spellcheck before you post it, and also bold the dialogue