Summary and Other Important Information
This is Herne's April 2018 Activity Check. This was aimed to be a funny little picture, but grew into this. A possible insight on what could have been had Herne stayed in Lightning perhaps, rather than returning to the Hunters. But what things are today.
Herne is at the point he wants to die, he has nothing, nothing to lose, he would gain more by dying as far as he was concerned. Sera wakes him, after him having accepted this was what he would be for the remainder of his days. She is missing home, and they talk about it. Does this help either of them? Or make things worse?
This is Herne's April 2018 Activity Check. This was aimed to be a funny little picture, but grew into this. A possible insight on what could have been had Herne stayed in Lightning perhaps, rather than returning to the Hunters. But what things are today.
Herne is at the point he wants to die, he has nothing, nothing to lose, he would gain more by dying as far as he was concerned. Sera wakes him, after him having accepted this was what he would be for the remainder of his days. She is missing home, and they talk about it. Does this help either of them? Or make things worse?
It was a typical night the cells, everyone was quiet. At least as quiet as they were going to get. Coliseum fights had slowed for the time. A reluctant thing for everyone that was forced to participate. Last I had looked, Sera was on the other side of the cell, leaned against the bar, touching her back and side to Vanille, whom sat in a cell right next to the one Sera and I were sharing.
I found rather ironic so to speak... I met Emerald... did something insane and fled Massilia, got imprisoned Lightning... met Adin, Emerald's brother. Spent the following year with Adin making sure I was never killed. Granted there were countless times I wished I had been. The things one can live through... Adin talked about his life... a lot... so I knew everything about the grey cat. He had lost so much. Then the day came where myself, and the three tribunes were given back to Massilia, where it was Emerald whom watched me... I hate how that played out honestly... It wasn't something I could get myself to even mention to Sera or Vanille. Granted they may know whom Emerald is... but I doubt they know that I know her... That she, to me, would be the one I would call my mother.
... having to cut ties with her... was probably the final straw on me... from that, I had utterly nothing... A reason to push forward, to continue, there was nothing for me. Even trying to run away, and just start over... was no option. Wherever I went Hunter would follow. I went anywhere, I would be putting any life I came across in danger, because they would have information about me... at that point... I seriously looked forward to dying. I wanted to. What more could be taken from me really? I let go of whatever moral I held onto... as of today, I more than likely have killed several in those rings. I can't say I hurt from doing so though... most here are probably looking forward to being killed, it was a better option than staying in this endless Hell.
I really didn't feel bad for doing so... not like I was aware of doing so personally. But after a couple months of it... I was moved from the cell I was in, to this one. Where another slap of reality hit me in the face... instantly I knew whom I was caged with... Sera and Van. Literally every single time I genuinely gave up, even now... this family in particular keeps showing back up. Whatever there is out there, mustn't want me dead. Even I myself am more than okay with death itself. I've never had a high value for my own sake honestly. If keeping another alive at my own life expense. To me... that is more than okay. For when I do die, whenever that will be, hopefully it is doing the only thing I do value, protecting another I care about. Their life mean far more to me than my own. There is nothing that could tell me otherwise. Another's life was ans is something to cherish, not squander, not to use as a pawn, not as an expendable asset. The only asset that should be expendable is yourself. Not another.
I lowered my head to my paws, shutting my eyes... for a change not feeling so much burden over my head. However... it only felt like my eyes were shut for a second, when I felt something nudge against me. It if anything, startled me. Causing me to life my head back up, and turn it to see what just nudged me. I had definitely been out longer than a moment, sleep was heavy in my eyes. I rubbed my left eye, letting off a slight yawn. It was Sera... I had grown used to her occasionally kicking me or something while she slept, so I would have been taken back by it. This however... she was... literally right in my face, like pretty well nose to nose, looking almost dazed, asleep maybe? It really threw me off... I didn't have the fainted idea what to say or do with this situation...
"Sera..." I said in a low volume.
It was loud enough so she'd hear it, but not enough to disturb anyone one else who needed to sleep. Perhaps causing her to wake up a bit would get her attention? Would it? She blinked a few times, and I felt her paw move, it was on my back... now I really was clueless, was she dreaming for something? Was the only thing I could think of.
"Sera." I repeated, a bit firmer, not saying anything else.
This however, brought a result I wasn't expecting.
She blinked a couple more times, and just stared at me... it downright made me uncomfortable, not like any of this place was... but like awkward... probably as far awkward as one could get.
"You're not him?" she muttered in a questioning tone.
I could see her chest tense itself... she had talked about some cat named Oz... as far as I knew she liked this cat... a lot. And she was just dreaming about this cat, only be woken up, and to find herself elsewhere entirely. Face to face with someone she didn't know very well. We both for what felt like hours and hours on end, looked the other in the face, not a word was said. I had pretty well just held my breath, like what was I to say or do? I at moment, couldn't think of anything to do. It hurt not being able to help her though... she wanted to go home, and all anyone here could do now was wait... and hope...
Sera looked like she was the verge of busting out into tears... I couldn't blame her. ... if anything... it just made me think about everything I had lost in my life. Either it was taken, or I had to push it away... loss was loss. The slight movements in her eyes showed a lot about her. It was almost to the point I was almost seeing my reflection in her eyes. I bit my lip, trying to find something to say... something that could help her. Something just pushed me to mention this other cat... say something, ask about this other cat? My own head screaming for me not to... but what option was there?
"... uhh..." I pushed out... not what I was expecting to have said, but it was a start, I myself had tensed some, this was just extremely bizarre to me, "... you were thinking about him?" I asked, very cautious on each word.
She didn't move, just kept her eyes looking at mine. Then she did something that I really was not expecting...
"There was this one time, I saw a bear." she stated in an almost robotic voice, I quite instantly just slanted my ears, questioning what else was she about to throw at me. "Told my friend who was blind and right next to me about it... Then I threw a pine cone at it. And then it started to chase us. We ran up a tree. I jumped tree to tree like a squirrel and lead it away. Then I lost it and went back to find my friend. Then he fell out of the tree trying to get down into a thorn bush. Then he was mad at me for the rest of the day. So was everyone else at home."
Okay... I told himself, my face I was sure made it clear I was lost with this, but... she wasn't done with random information one o one.
"I mean, it's not like I threw a pine cone at my blind friend. Or put burrs in their nests... I only did that once and it was back when I was still a cub."
Now I was staring at her... trying to process what was just said... it honestly rather comical... but what?
"I take you would very proudly take sacks flour around the city and dump them on unsuspecting bystanders then?" I shot out of my mouth, then immediately questioning what made me say that, and I wasn't done either, "then after just dance away like nothing happened and find someone else to do the same thing to."
It was... clear, she was upset. Luckily the line did help... I still was asking myself why I said this... She chuckled some, sniffing to prevent a tear I did notice... I'm not going to say anything about that... I hope.
"That would be colourful..." she let out in a low volume, probably the quietest I've heard from the loud one, "I guess."
"Co-colourful?" I let out, literally stammering on my own words... then realized... flowers... not flour... "--they were white." I remarked, "and red with... a lot rage... hence the aimless dance away." I rose my brows a bit, to emphasize the aimless dance away.
Giving off a smirk, a tired one, that seemed partly false to me, she added, "Still... Flowers are nice. You put them on cats you like." she paused, but only for a brief moment, "Red flowers for those you love, yellow for your friends, blue for younger ones, purple for those you respect... I can't remember all the colors and what they mean, but I know a few."
... I wasn't sure what to say to that... but... I could prevent myself from making a short smile myself...
Adin had thrown that at me, very randomly may I add. It wasn't something I expected. At that time, didn't think a lot of it.
"... white would be purity... innocent." I thought aloud, unintentionally, then realizing that was verbalized, well I may as well just verbalize the rest of that... and then I didn't.
I almost expected a response from Sera this time, but wasn't sure what.
"Heh. Pure love, thrown around on everyone. Would that be so bad?" Sera muttered out, seeing water run from her eyes now.
Why am I clueless on what to do with this? I quickly threw at myself... but, just let her cry... for when... yeah, when... When she and Van got back to Lightning, Van would be sure to say this to Adin... I don't need him finding me, just to sit on me... Emerald's done that enough herself. I will pass. What to do though?
I was sure it on my face, I didn't have the slightest idea how to respond to this? An awkward situation just growing more and more awkward... and then you have it becoming... I don't... I couldn't even think at the moment.
"--uhhh." I almost coughed out, "... Adin would compare me to a yellow flower a lot..." I stated, "and a blue one..." I hesitated on my words, "up till a just a moment ago... I really didn't really grasp what he meant by it." I paused, and waited... unsure what she was about to do from that.
And with what I was very hard trying to avoid, Sera's face completely fell. Water poured from her face, her facing falling forward, burying into my side, and began bawling.
I froze. The fur on my back, hell ninety percent of all my fur, pretty well stood on end. Even if it was an extremely brief moment. My ears were dropped, I more than wore a shocked face. Can one member of this family not fry my brain? Part of me, was like, hey ask if she was done... I thought about it while I was still a statue. Yes. Piss off an emotionally unstable mind... that doesn't work. First person experience... it doesn't end well... that's like the fastest way to make them go from extreme sad, to time to murder you, bring you back, then murder you again... Then bring you back again, and wish they murdered you the third time. I will pass!
During my thoughts... apparently I had lowered my head. I really didn't notice it honestly, the base of my chin was pretty well numb from getting smacked in the rings so many times, sleeping, resting on the cell floor, whatever it was, it was rather numb. Granted this is surely rambling information too, but I have to have some way to keep some shred of sanity in this place... talking to myself was a method, didn't always work, but alas, it was something.
I don't know how long passed, but... it did seem like Sera had stopped bawling into my side, but her head stayed there... okay... now what? I was asking myself with this. She is quiet... should I say anything? Should I just stay quiet... I thought about something...
I had days... countless days in Lightning Empire, where I'd break down... going as far to harm myself, ending with myself just bawling my eyes out from everything. Here was more of the same yes...
"... Adin ever call you a white and blue flower?" I asked... it was a question.
She missed him, she missed her home... right now, I was missing him, so it was to help her, Van, and if possible, maybe it would help me a bit. With that, I waited, more clueless if she'd say anything afterward.
Sniffling, the she had spoken again, muffled due to being said into his side, "Nah... He compared me to a blue one once... but... He c-called me s-s-" she sputtered out, she was fighting to not cry more, trembling with each word, making me wonder, if I was making things worse or not? "Spiderling, l-ladybird, lots a little cute bug names. He called all of us by those names. Van was beetle, Arty was Lighting bug. I was grasshopper, rain cricket. All kinds of names."
I smiled a bit at what she said, that is Adin alright... original nicknames everywhere. It made my chest hurt... I could feel the twist in my chest from the thoughts... sure that was at least how she felt with it.
"... ... bumblebee..." I uttered lowly, "was one he had tossed at me a lot... and wasp from time to time..." I kept a slight smirk, "--wasp... I could see why... bumblebee however... that one I still don't get?" I paused.
My eyes glanced around the area, Van was still asleep, at least... looked asleep. I would not be surprised if he was awake and quietly listening. Part of me kinda wished he was listening... but part also didn't want him awake. Seeing his sister in this condition, especially here, I don't think would be something he'd cope with too well.
"... but yeah, random things... exercise instructions..." I couldn't help but laugh a bit at that, "him laying on his back acting like was running. I'm sure I called him an insane idiot for doing so..." I then huffed, "--granted... at that point... I was bit of a jerk toward everyone..." I stopped, partly wondering why I said that last part, but it was said, "it was still funny enough..."
I sighed pausing for a moment, so I just... kept talking, it seemed to help her, it was helping me at the least, but I still hoped it was helpful to her.
"..." all that came from my face then was a grunt, I was thinking about the flowers, I don't why, but maybe this would help her more? "... more than once, I remember Adin calling me a yellow and blue flower... yellow because... I believe he was... was trying to simply make me laugh or something, to be happy." I held another smirk, "wasn't something I did too often. Blue, because to him, I was young..." I took a larger breath, this was going to be awkward, and how on earth was this to be taken... am trying to be nice, nothing else... well, help her yes... but nothing else. "--asked if you were ever called a white and blue one because..." I held my breath for a second.
I was completely nervous, I just didn't want her to cry more... it was part of life, everyone did it, so I didn't why I was putting this much effort in this.
"White is pure... blue... blue is young, green... perhaps resilient?" I let out a breath, "you've gotten this far, so... hope? Even if it is hard to do..."
I didn't say that to just her... but myself... well... I wasn't expecting that... it was honestly the first time helping another, in a long time, that actually seemed to help me too... but I still waited... to see if she'd say anything... or she'd try to sleep.
I wasn't about to usher her away right now... it would have been utterly cruel... then adding to that, she had no plans on leaving either... I was... unsure what to do with, so I just stayed where I was.
She moved closer to me, literally burrowing further into my fur. I was someone who really wasn't for physical contact, literally whatsoever. So honestly, me not getting up or anything was quiet the task... for her sake, I didn't though, it would have been cruel.
"Yeah... that's dad alright..." she had muttered, so lowly I hardly heard it, "... soft and fuzzy... warm... but always ready to sting."
I felt her almost hiccup? Why she did that was something I asked myself... but just kept quiet, along with her not being so tense. I don't know why... but that made me relax some also. I swallowed, just thinking over whatever it was I was thinking about, I certainly wasn't sure what I was thinking about, it was just a lot of mixed things...
"Visits all the flowers, makes them happy with his yellow. Black stripes to warn of his sting..." Sera whispered, partly interrupting the mess of thoughts I had, well, wouldn't say had, but she appeared she was finally going back to sleep, "that's you. The bumblebee."
With what I could tell, she had fallen back asleep. I... was, speechless? That was what Adin saw from me? That? I smiled... probably the most of a smile I think I've done, probably through my whole life.
I was glad that Sera was helped, maybe Van was too... if he was listening and not sound asleep of course, but for a change, I was actually helpful. I right now, really missed Adin, but I'll be honest... I was completely hopeless. I thought, I believed there was nothing I could help anymore, nothing. That this was all the rest of my existence was going to be, fight, and eventually be the casualty to the rings.
Hell, right now, I could still be one, but at least now, there was hope, that we'd get out of this Hell. I shut my eyes, keeping my head where it was, on Sera's, and for a change, going to sleep wasn't such a difficult thing.
